Daddy’s Little Girl

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My father’s birthday is this Sunday. I haven’t seen him since Christmas and he lives just 15 minutes away.  I’ve never had the daddy-daughter relationship people have always talked about. Far from that, actually.  Most of my life I’ve feared him. Today, I’ve changed my perspective and I have compassion towards him.  I think of the relationship we could have had and maybe, still can have one day.

There’s many things I admire about my father. He is fun, passionate, and honest but it’s funny because I didn’t see these qualities about him growing up. In fact, he was a very angry man the way I knew him. This obviously put a damper on our relationship. I’ve come to realize that circumstances were the thief of our daddy-daughter dynamic.  It was especially difficult when my father lost his job for a couple of years when I was in high school.  The weight was on my mother’s shoulders while my father felt useless. And we know how unemployment can kill a man’s ego.   They both took their frustrations out on me. I know that now but back then I felt like my world was crashing down around me.  I didn’t know why my parents hated me so much.  I started to hate myself too.  Even today, it’s hard for me to exchange the words “I love you” with them because I don’t feel it’s coming from a genuine place.  I don’t remember many tender moments between us but I do remember a lot of pain.  Although they clothed and fed me, emotionally I was starved.

For years, I have wanted to forgive them but I didn’t know how. I was so angry, it consumed me. I hid it well from most people except myself. I could hear the negative things I would say in my head every single day. Eventually it became the norm and I barely noticed.  But after some of the two most challenging years of my life, meditation helped me discover self-love for the first time.  I no longer feel the need to gain their approval and love.  Yes, it would be nice and what daughter wouldn’t want that? However, I don’t expect it from them anymore.

I know only God’s love can truly fill that void in me.  I thought I knew God’s love before but I have recently discovered a whole other level.  A love that far exceeds my wildest dreams. Maybe only in my desperation could I have gone this deep with Him.  Because of that I think I’m finally ready to face my parents without fear of an anxiety attack, fear of their criticism, of their expectations and disappointments.  Maybe for the first time in my life.  Okay, I’m still a little hesitant. But scary can also be good, right?  So, wish me luck as I see him Sunday for his birthday. I hope I can give us both a real chance to have what we’ve never had before…

Now that I’ve shared my personal story with you. Can you relate? Are you secretly or openly angry with someone in your life and do you think it’s possible to replace that anger with compassion? Delve deep and give them the benefit of the doubt. Put your ego aside.  By doing so, can you change the old paradigm for a new one? I challenge you to think outside of the box.

Change starts here with you…Let me know your thoughts, frustrations, and stories. Dare to be vulnerably adventurous with me?! Post your comments below!

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10 thoughts on “Daddy’s Little Girl

  1. Good luck sweet girl. Though you won’t need it, as wherever it leads, whatever this weekend holds for you, you’re going to make it into, or find a way to view it (eventually) as something wonderful or at least enlightening or educational. Cuz that’s who you are.

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  2. Yes! I have felt this way towards both of my parents. They did (and do) the best they can with what they know.

    And with every foster dog, especially hiro, I saw God. With every laugh and tear, I know each of them brought me closer to God. I’ve never been religious, but became very spiritual. With each one there comes a REASON, a sign: why this particular dog? With so many in the rescue, why did this one come into my life? I’ve learned a lesson with each and every one. I was crying today and was comforted by McKesson, my current foster. He is one month away from beating Hiro’s record for the longest I’ve had them. He took one look at me and I knew: he was sent to teach me something. What that is, I’m not sure.

    Keep them coming. More can relate to you than you realize.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sarah, Oh wow! I’m so glad you can relate! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one haha. Yes, I think Hiro has taught me so much! Patience, fun, balance and is still teaching me many things about myself! I’m curious to hear what lessons you’ve learned from your dogs. It’s so interesting you see it that way and how you see it as a spiritual experience! What did you learn from Hiro while he was with you? Thanks for writing such a thoughtful comment. I’m loving it!! 🤗

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  3. Lisa, thanks for sharing your journey with the world. I can relate quite deeply to much of what you shared. It’s brave to face the emotions of your heart and cool how God’s brought you healing. I’ve been in a similar journey, not only with family dynamics but also learning how to face the reality of a lot of years of anger. One point I’d like to share, is that it’s okay if as you engage with your father on his birthday if it doesn’t go amazingly. For me it’s like 2 steps forward, 1 back, 1 step forward, 2 back. It’s been messy for me and I am not into my life being messy. The mess has so much more redemption though than just a nice veneer on the outside with unexplored hurts on the inside. Cheers friend!

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    1. Hey Shannon! Thanks for sharing your sympathy! You’re so right in the past I’ve always been so disappointed after trying so hard if things did not pan out well. I slowly see through my recent compassion, forgiveness and boundaries that my dad seems to be more aware of the rift between us instead of just ignoring our problems. So that helps because now I feel like the effort doesn’t have to stay lopsided. Hopefully I can stay level headed and not put too much pressure on the whole thing and let it ebb and flow without expectations. Thanks for reaching out & sharing your story with me! I feel the love. 🤗

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  4. I haven’t spoken to my Father since 2010. I don’t come from a house of love and I just couldn’t take the controlling nature of his and my Step Mother’s ways. I finally took a stand for my family and I. Even though I miss him I am at peace and don’t miss the drama. Strange, huh?

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    1. Not strange at all! I completely understand! Some people just don’t want to change and work things out. I’m grateful that my parents are actually willing to work on things. By the grace of God I’ve seen breakthroughs that I believed would never happen! It’s been a painful process but I’m so surprised that things are actually changing! I’m definitely setting healthy boundaries though which I never did before! I’m not banking on the perfect relationship but if we continue to move forward, I’m content. (:

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